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Maybe I'm stupid....
Mar. 30th, 2007 03:46 amI may come off as a complete moron sometimes. I mean that. There are times when I'll say something and it sounds so utterly stupid TO ME that I stop and think, "Did I really just say that? Did that really just spew from my mouth?" I don't know why I do it purposely, too. Am I trying to seem naive and therefore cute? Am I trying to play stupid so I hear more (not that I'm clever enough to do anything with more information, but that's beside the point)? Or am I really just THAT dumb? No matter how many people will insist that I'm so smart, I can't ever believe it, not anymore. Oh, yes, once upon a time I was, the word "bright" was thrown about so many times that it could have been a game of football, but the '80s are long since dead. I'm not what I was; I'm very, very different now.
Is it stupid, then, that I want to wait for something until I'm good and ready for it? Is it stupid of me to think that I wouldn't do well with something now, despite what others around me are doing and have done, despite my age, despite my own experiences, just because I don't think I can handle it? Or should I challenge myself? What if it's a challenge I already failed because I wasn't ready for it then? Am I stupid to keep running until I feel brave enough to take it on again? Until I feel stupid enough to take it on again? What if it's all a head-game I'm playing with myself and I really am ready, but too stupid to realize it?
And most importantly, why and WHEN did I become such a dullard? Am I not stupid for realizing my own shortcomings, or am I stupid for choosing to ignore them (I really think that's a very point-of-view sort of question, and that there IS no correct answer for it)? How do I deal with this? Should I pray to deities I don't believe in or should I just keep my fingers crossed and hope my answers magically fall in my lap? The fight-or-flight instinct in me is very strong, and it's telling me to do nothing but keep running, yet I have the feeling that one day -- one day very soon -- I'm going to be forced to fight. I won't like it. I never did like fighting. Why will I have to? Why can't I just run? Instincts and gut feelings exist for a reason, don't they?
Is it more stupid of me to follow blindly, or to hope blindly?
Will I figure it out?
I think I just answered some of my questions. Yes, I DO play stupid. I have to, or I'd go mad from the thoughts plaguing me every moment. I went through real depression over the summer, and I told myself that it was time to stop. I think I need a new way of dealing with it, though, because I don't appreciate looking and feeling like such a vapid moron. And that's when the answer seems to ring as clear as a bell -- there's only one cure for ignorance, after all -- but then, it's at the very root of the problem, and I'm stuck on a Möbius strip: travelling down the same road, over and over in a big circle, with no escape. And people wondered how I got so depressed!
Bedtime now, methinks.
(Edit,12:43: Oh, Penny Arcade. You make me laugh so. Also, I'm working 4:30 - close tomorrow, not 5:30 - close. Yay, obscene hours!)
Is it stupid, then, that I want to wait for something until I'm good and ready for it? Is it stupid of me to think that I wouldn't do well with something now, despite what others around me are doing and have done, despite my age, despite my own experiences, just because I don't think I can handle it? Or should I challenge myself? What if it's a challenge I already failed because I wasn't ready for it then? Am I stupid to keep running until I feel brave enough to take it on again? Until I feel stupid enough to take it on again? What if it's all a head-game I'm playing with myself and I really am ready, but too stupid to realize it?
And most importantly, why and WHEN did I become such a dullard? Am I not stupid for realizing my own shortcomings, or am I stupid for choosing to ignore them (I really think that's a very point-of-view sort of question, and that there IS no correct answer for it)? How do I deal with this? Should I pray to deities I don't believe in or should I just keep my fingers crossed and hope my answers magically fall in my lap? The fight-or-flight instinct in me is very strong, and it's telling me to do nothing but keep running, yet I have the feeling that one day -- one day very soon -- I'm going to be forced to fight. I won't like it. I never did like fighting. Why will I have to? Why can't I just run? Instincts and gut feelings exist for a reason, don't they?
Is it more stupid of me to follow blindly, or to hope blindly?
Will I figure it out?
I think I just answered some of my questions. Yes, I DO play stupid. I have to, or I'd go mad from the thoughts plaguing me every moment. I went through real depression over the summer, and I told myself that it was time to stop. I think I need a new way of dealing with it, though, because I don't appreciate looking and feeling like such a vapid moron. And that's when the answer seems to ring as clear as a bell -- there's only one cure for ignorance, after all -- but then, it's at the very root of the problem, and I'm stuck on a Möbius strip: travelling down the same road, over and over in a big circle, with no escape. And people wondered how I got so depressed!
Bedtime now, methinks.
(Edit,12:43: Oh, Penny Arcade. You make me laugh so. Also, I'm working 4:30 - close tomorrow, not 5:30 - close. Yay, obscene hours!)
