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I haven't cried today (yet).
Nov. 28th, 2008 06:31 pmBut that doesn't mean I'm getting any better. Instead, I feel all sorts of the nasty, negative emotions. I'm angrier and more spiteful than usual, but I also feel hate and jealousy. I feel like a spoiled child who's failed to get her way. I blamed, Goddesses, I pointed my finger and I felt bad about it. Not immediately, but I did.
Fear. There's a lot of that. Betrayal. Hopeless, maybe. I don't know if I feel that.
I feel crazy. I feel like I've lost my goddamn mind. White is black, left is right, up is down, nothing has made a lick of sense in the past two days. I can't trust anything.
It's almost as though, to deal with this loss, that I've skipped right over denial and bargaining and gone straight to anger (or, considering how out of it I was yesterday, I've gone backwards from acceptance to depression to anger. Whichever).
I think, that of the five stages of grief, this is my least favorite. Sure, during depression I want to kill myself. Sure, during bargaining I seem a worm, and denial makes me seem an idiot, but anger brings out the nastiest side of me, the side that even I hate. I already hate myself; this I hate more.
The more I think about a solution, the more I don't know what to do. It would make anyone angry, wouldn't it, frustrated or just frazzled at the least?
As for work, I was mostly appreciative of the accumulated work in the frame shop. There were several boxes of frames and mats to unpack and check in, a little bit of production that I was able to do, and I took several orders. During the few moments of downtime, I really just wanted to sit in the corner. I could have; I was totally alone.
I cut my hands. Three times. Accidentally. The first time, I was removing barbed staples, and it scratched the fleshy part under my thumb. Not deep, but it stung, and I didn't want to injure it further, so I slapped a bandaid on. Not too much longer after that, I was cleaning glass and, just as cleanly, sliced my index finger on the edge. That, too, would have been more easily re-injured, and so it also got bandaided. I don't know what I did the third time, but I noticed a small amount of dried blood on my fingertip. Figured it couldn't have been that bad if I didn't notice until after it had started healing, so I didn't cover it. But I look like I stuck my hands in a piranha's fishtank. XD I think the cuts were the second-most annoying thing about work; the first was, of course, those soulless fuckers who went shopping today. (The third was working my shift with no coffee, no break, and no relief when I left. I don't care.)
I suppose you all heard about the guy at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart who was trampled to death? Yeah. And people wonder why customers suck? He was trampled! That's horrific, and more disgusting than how I feel today. It's not that fucking serious, people, and it's a shame that none of you will learn your lesson, so wrapped up in yourselves as you are. Fuck you.
Anyway, I say I haven't cried yet because Lynda's gonna be here shortly. We're gonna grab something to eat, and then come back here for video games or movies or something. And she's one of my best friends, so I might be less vague with her than I have been here. We'll see. In the meantime, have a good weekend, everyone. Hope I'm not dragging your spirits down too much.
Fear. There's a lot of that. Betrayal. Hopeless, maybe. I don't know if I feel that.
I feel crazy. I feel like I've lost my goddamn mind. White is black, left is right, up is down, nothing has made a lick of sense in the past two days. I can't trust anything.
It's almost as though, to deal with this loss, that I've skipped right over denial and bargaining and gone straight to anger (or, considering how out of it I was yesterday, I've gone backwards from acceptance to depression to anger. Whichever).
I think, that of the five stages of grief, this is my least favorite. Sure, during depression I want to kill myself. Sure, during bargaining I seem a worm, and denial makes me seem an idiot, but anger brings out the nastiest side of me, the side that even I hate. I already hate myself; this I hate more.
The more I think about a solution, the more I don't know what to do. It would make anyone angry, wouldn't it, frustrated or just frazzled at the least?
As for work, I was mostly appreciative of the accumulated work in the frame shop. There were several boxes of frames and mats to unpack and check in, a little bit of production that I was able to do, and I took several orders. During the few moments of downtime, I really just wanted to sit in the corner. I could have; I was totally alone.
I cut my hands. Three times. Accidentally. The first time, I was removing barbed staples, and it scratched the fleshy part under my thumb. Not deep, but it stung, and I didn't want to injure it further, so I slapped a bandaid on. Not too much longer after that, I was cleaning glass and, just as cleanly, sliced my index finger on the edge. That, too, would have been more easily re-injured, and so it also got bandaided. I don't know what I did the third time, but I noticed a small amount of dried blood on my fingertip. Figured it couldn't have been that bad if I didn't notice until after it had started healing, so I didn't cover it. But I look like I stuck my hands in a piranha's fishtank. XD I think the cuts were the second-most annoying thing about work; the first was, of course, those soulless fuckers who went shopping today. (The third was working my shift with no coffee, no break, and no relief when I left. I don't care.)
I suppose you all heard about the guy at the Valley Stream Wal-Mart who was trampled to death? Yeah. And people wonder why customers suck? He was trampled! That's horrific, and more disgusting than how I feel today. It's not that fucking serious, people, and it's a shame that none of you will learn your lesson, so wrapped up in yourselves as you are. Fuck you.
Anyway, I say I haven't cried yet because Lynda's gonna be here shortly. We're gonna grab something to eat, and then come back here for video games or movies or something. And she's one of my best friends, so I might be less vague with her than I have been here. We'll see. In the meantime, have a good weekend, everyone. Hope I'm not dragging your spirits down too much.
