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False hope.
Jan. 2nd, 2009 12:30 pmI didn't think I'd need to rely on you guys so quickly. I was miserable last night.
I don't remember, because I've been ... well, I don't know what I've been. Unwell for sure. I think I might have fallen asleep and taken a nap yesterday, and when I woke up, they were all I could think about.
It's terrible. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes, I see them. When I wake up, they're what I think of. I can't fall asleep (without being completely exhausted). I can't stay asleep. When I wake up, I'm disoriented and panicked.
He told me that he never got his own place because he "couldn't afford the both of us." He explained that he knew I would move in and he thought that instead of playing house, I would be lazy all day. She has her own place; he probably moved in and they're going to live together for a while. I can't say I don't blame him; he's always wanted to get out of his parents' house.
He's given me false hope. He mentioned our paths crossing again. He told me maybe. WHY. Why is he letting me keep his money? Why did he tell me to keep the account open "in case"? Why did he give me false hope -- so much false hope -- if it's not ever going to work out that way (because it NEVER works out in my favor)?
And if he was willing to give me that false hope, why didn't he give me what I asked for? I didn't care; I had no self-respect.
I know I said I'd have to rely on you and I know you all said you would try to help me but I really don't think you can. I have to let go and move on and I can't.
Doesn't being in an open relationship, being single, mean I can date anyone I want? I WANT HIM. I don't think we're going to be friends for very long. This is going to kill me, one way or another. If we are friends, then why is he abandoning me now WHEN I NEED HIM THE MOST.
Why am I so pathetic and weak? ... I can't blame him for not wanting me. If you could see me now, how disgusting I am. No one in their right mind would. I don't even want MYSELF right now.
What have I become?
Edit: Wow. Even my mother's given up on me.
I don't remember, because I've been ... well, I don't know what I've been. Unwell for sure. I think I might have fallen asleep and taken a nap yesterday, and when I woke up, they were all I could think about.
It's terrible. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes, I see them. When I wake up, they're what I think of. I can't fall asleep (without being completely exhausted). I can't stay asleep. When I wake up, I'm disoriented and panicked.
He told me that he never got his own place because he "couldn't afford the both of us." He explained that he knew I would move in and he thought that instead of playing house, I would be lazy all day. She has her own place; he probably moved in and they're going to live together for a while. I can't say I don't blame him; he's always wanted to get out of his parents' house.
He's given me false hope. He mentioned our paths crossing again. He told me maybe. WHY. Why is he letting me keep his money? Why did he tell me to keep the account open "in case"? Why did he give me false hope -- so much false hope -- if it's not ever going to work out that way (because it NEVER works out in my favor)?
And if he was willing to give me that false hope, why didn't he give me what I asked for? I didn't care; I had no self-respect.
I know I said I'd have to rely on you and I know you all said you would try to help me but I really don't think you can. I have to let go and move on and I can't.
Doesn't being in an open relationship, being single, mean I can date anyone I want? I WANT HIM. I don't think we're going to be friends for very long. This is going to kill me, one way or another. If we are friends, then why is he abandoning me now WHEN I NEED HIM THE MOST.
Why am I so pathetic and weak? ... I can't blame him for not wanting me. If you could see me now, how disgusting I am. No one in their right mind would. I don't even want MYSELF right now.
What have I become?
Edit: Wow. Even my mother's given up on me.
