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New feeling.
Jan. 4th, 2009 04:55 pmI'm angry, and I'm scared because I'm angry. It's not my usual ARGHRASSAFRASSINBULLSHITPEOPLEARESTUPID anger that is momentary, that I can just laugh off in a few minutes. This is cool anger, lingering. The kind where you breathe audibly through your nose and your nostrils flare but it does nothing for you. The "how-could-you-I'm-so-disappointed" kind. It's deep and it stings and I swear if I were to cut myself (LOL WORK), blood would drip out in little red letters that spelt "ANGER." (or RANGE. Hurray for anagrams.)
I don't know if I'm okay with the fact that I'm making jokes, and that was far from the first one. :/
As I was telling Adri yesterday, I'm bitter and vindictive, and I don't like it. I know I have a very good right to be angry, but I'm never THIS kind of angry, and it feels wrong (FTR, anger was never one of the things I had a problem with when I was younger, so this is not being brought about by an attempt to fix myself. I, honest-to-goodness, think that this kind of anger is not right). I never wished so much harm upon someone else. I know that THAT is wrong, no matter who, and no matter what they did. But... I can't help it. That I can't help feeling this way makes me angrier. (And I thought anger was supposed to come BEFORE depression?)
It's much like the rock and hard place I was stuck between last month, where I'm damned if I do and if I don't.
The thinking is back, too. There are a lot of, in my mind, contradictions, and things that don't add up. It's making me wonder how much of it was lies. And a lot of what some people are saying seriously make me want never to trust anyone ever again, for any reason. No, seriously. How can I if in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if a person -- if any of you -- is ever going to betray me? How do I know you won't when someone I trusted with nearly everything violated the hell out of that trust? I'm not a paranoid person, so this is really scary!
Even scarier was the first time I thought that maybe it's a good idea if I don't ever speak to him again. I mean, I know he won't contact me unless I initiate this contact (which explains my surprise last Wednesday), but even still. How do you just cut someone off like that?
I didn't freak out yesterday or today like I did on Friday, which is cool, I guess, but that only means there's that much less time until I do it again. 9_9 tl;dr, I still don't know what's going on in my head. I'm sick of everyone's suggestions (and WTF will a change of scenery do if I have to come back home to all this anyway?) and Tetris is starting not to work. That was fast.
(Edit, 22:38 - Something I forgot to mention, which is annoying me greatly. One of the problems was that I apparently refused to go back to school or find a better job or what have you. I insisted that I didn't want to because, well, I didn't want to. I didn't want it yet, I'm not ready for it, it'll take time. Similarly, he had been feeling pressure from outside sources to do this to me (but nicer (I'd like to think, at this point)), but he also refused. I find it interesting that he's allowed to do what he wants when he's ready for it, but I'm not. Hmm.)
On a brighter note, I guess, three weeks until class starts. For the first time in a VERY, VERY LONG TIME, I'm excited about learning something! Who knows, studying might even be enough of a proper distraction. (Hmmm, that "school" tag is back. XD)
Also, I need a calendar (my wall is naked!). XD Kinda forgot to get one while I was insane. ... Angry? Paranoid? Insane? Okay, what deity do I have to pray to to make sure I don't turn out like Crazula? :|
I don't know if I'm okay with the fact that I'm making jokes, and that was far from the first one. :/
As I was telling Adri yesterday, I'm bitter and vindictive, and I don't like it. I know I have a very good right to be angry, but I'm never THIS kind of angry, and it feels wrong (FTR, anger was never one of the things I had a problem with when I was younger, so this is not being brought about by an attempt to fix myself. I, honest-to-goodness, think that this kind of anger is not right). I never wished so much harm upon someone else. I know that THAT is wrong, no matter who, and no matter what they did. But... I can't help it. That I can't help feeling this way makes me angrier. (And I thought anger was supposed to come BEFORE depression?)
It's much like the rock and hard place I was stuck between last month, where I'm damned if I do and if I don't.
The thinking is back, too. There are a lot of, in my mind, contradictions, and things that don't add up. It's making me wonder how much of it was lies. And a lot of what some people are saying seriously make me want never to trust anyone ever again, for any reason. No, seriously. How can I if in the back of my mind, I'm wondering if a person -- if any of you -- is ever going to betray me? How do I know you won't when someone I trusted with nearly everything violated the hell out of that trust? I'm not a paranoid person, so this is really scary!
Even scarier was the first time I thought that maybe it's a good idea if I don't ever speak to him again. I mean, I know he won't contact me unless I initiate this contact (which explains my surprise last Wednesday), but even still. How do you just cut someone off like that?
I didn't freak out yesterday or today like I did on Friday, which is cool, I guess, but that only means there's that much less time until I do it again. 9_9 tl;dr, I still don't know what's going on in my head. I'm sick of everyone's suggestions (and WTF will a change of scenery do if I have to come back home to all this anyway?) and Tetris is starting not to work. That was fast.
(Edit, 22:38 - Something I forgot to mention, which is annoying me greatly. One of the problems was that I apparently refused to go back to school or find a better job or what have you. I insisted that I didn't want to because, well, I didn't want to. I didn't want it yet, I'm not ready for it, it'll take time. Similarly, he had been feeling pressure from outside sources to do this to me (but nicer (I'd like to think, at this point)), but he also refused. I find it interesting that he's allowed to do what he wants when he's ready for it, but I'm not. Hmm.)
On a brighter note, I guess, three weeks until class starts. For the first time in a VERY, VERY LONG TIME, I'm excited about learning something! Who knows, studying might even be enough of a proper distraction. (Hmmm, that "school" tag is back. XD)
Also, I need a calendar (my wall is naked!). XD Kinda forgot to get one while I was insane. ... Angry? Paranoid? Insane? Okay, what deity do I have to pray to to make sure I don't turn out like Crazula? :|
