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It's not good news.
Dec. 19th, 2008 01:29 amI arrived at a decision a few hours ago: I'm going to suck it up and do what I'm told. It's for my own good, and genuine wow-I-really-wanna-do-this good might come of it someday. I called someone -- mind, I haven't used the phone at all in three weeks (been close so many times, but no such luck) -- and you'd think everything would be all hunky-dory again, especially because I was finally able to talk about this for the first time in three weeks (the conversation ran two hours, fourteen minutes, and thirty-seven seconds. Seems there was a lot that needed to be said). It's not that simple.
Things have gotten a bit more complex than they were; apparently, my efforts are too little, too late. I wasn't expected to pull through, if you'll believe it. I wasn't supposed to say that I'm gonna do it. I almost didn't, but I realized something important: there are certain things that I can't do without. There are certain things I feel too strongly for, and I'd be a goddamn FOOL to let them go so easily. That led, directly, to my decision. I can't see it any other way, now. I can't believe how close I came to making that mistake!
I'm not who I used to be, in many ways. That is one such way: it used to be I would fight tooth and nail for anything I believed in, and here I nearly gave it away. I'm almost disgusted with myself. But I've still got a little bit of myself, it seems, because I chose correctly in the end. At least, I hope I did. With the way things have turned out, it seems kinda hopeless and pointless.
That said, I won't renege on my decision: I'm still going through with it, and for the reasons mentioned before. I just don't know if, despite that, I'm going to win this game. It looks kinda bleak.
Unrelatedly -- I think probably because I haven't eaten in a few hours and I'm shivering because of the cold -- I feel a bit nauseated. Because of the nausea and the bleakness, I'm gonna get to bed now. I'm so happy I've got tomorrow off because now I need it more than ever. I thought it was bad before. Sleep will elude me, but it is my sincerest hope that it finds others, and peacefully so.
Things have gotten a bit more complex than they were; apparently, my efforts are too little, too late. I wasn't expected to pull through, if you'll believe it. I wasn't supposed to say that I'm gonna do it. I almost didn't, but I realized something important: there are certain things that I can't do without. There are certain things I feel too strongly for, and I'd be a goddamn FOOL to let them go so easily. That led, directly, to my decision. I can't see it any other way, now. I can't believe how close I came to making that mistake!
I'm not who I used to be, in many ways. That is one such way: it used to be I would fight tooth and nail for anything I believed in, and here I nearly gave it away. I'm almost disgusted with myself. But I've still got a little bit of myself, it seems, because I chose correctly in the end. At least, I hope I did. With the way things have turned out, it seems kinda hopeless and pointless.
That said, I won't renege on my decision: I'm still going through with it, and for the reasons mentioned before. I just don't know if, despite that, I'm going to win this game. It looks kinda bleak.
Unrelatedly -- I think probably because I haven't eaten in a few hours and I'm shivering because of the cold -- I feel a bit nauseated. Because of the nausea and the bleakness, I'm gonna get to bed now. I'm so happy I've got tomorrow off because now I need it more than ever. I thought it was bad before. Sleep will elude me, but it is my sincerest hope that it finds others, and peacefully so.
